


Even in Another Time

by ByGrandCentral



Category: Amar a Muerte (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Historical, Domestic, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Past Lives, Soulmates, Spanish Inquisition
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-19
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2019-11-24 03:55:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18161144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ByGrandCentral/pseuds/ByGrandCentral
Summary: Juliana and Valentina are going about their everyday lives after the events of the finale when they start having flashbacks to one of their past lives.Post Finale / Soulmates Past Lives AU





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place some undefined amount of time after the finale.
> 
> I wanted to keep the Spanish vibe to the flashbacks so I went with 15th-century Spanish Inquisition. I tried having as much historical integrity as possible. There are some allusions to violence but nothing graphic. 
> 
> There are four parts.

"Someone will remember us

I say

Even in another time" - Sappho

* * *

 

The first time it happens, Juliana is asleep and it wakes her up in hysteria.

 

  
She’s running through dry valleys she doesn’t recognize. The air is heavy with heat and there's also a blurriness she doesn’t know how to define. She’s afraid. She’s absolutely terrified of something she doesn’t know. Her feet are hitting the rocky ground with such force that she feels the roughness of the earth in her bones. When she sees the warm beige stonewalls of a city she doesn’t know either, she both feels an immense sense of relief and fear.

She’s seeking something she doesn’t know but she knows it’s the only thing that matters to her. In the distance, she notices a group of people. They make her heart beat in her ears. Their clothes announce their purpose a mile away. Juliana doesn’t know who they are. She doesn’t understand anything that’s happening but she _knows_. There’s something inside her that tells her exactly what they are. She notices large crosses on their clothes, around their necks, carried over their heads, and she’s filled with terror. She doesn’t understand why because crosses have never been a source of fear. But somehow, here ... now ... it is different.

She’s screaming a name in a voice that’s not hers. She’s still running, seeking. She’s breathing loudly and unevenly. The air in her lungs is getting thinner but she won’t stop, she won’t give up.

She’s looking for Valentina. She doesn’t know how she knows that but Valentina is the one thing she’s sure about in this world; in all worlds.

She’s screaming that name again.

Suddenly she hears a name that’s not hers being screamed in the distance. Yet she knows it’s hers. The sun is shining brightly and it’s blinding her. When she can focus, she sees a girl fighting against priests and guards. She’s wrestling and screaming and crying. Juliana’s heart is thumping and she feels her world disintegrating. The girl screams in pain when the men shove her into an old wooden cart. She doesn’t stop calling Juliana’s non-name.

When the men move away and she doesn’t reach them in time, she's still close enough that she can finally see the girl’s face. She’s beautiful and not much older than she is. When their eyes meet, she knows it’s Valentina. She looks nothing like her with her dark hair and her tan skin, but her eyes speak through and she knows. She sees beyond the foreign face, the foreign name, the foreign city. Something is calling to her from beyond. The girl’s eyes speak volume and it’s Valentina’s.

 

When she wakes up she’s screaming for a girl she knows and doesn’t know. She’s hysterical and crying and seeking Valentina. Except she can’t see anything, there are shades of brightness, indecipherable spots of the beigeness from the rocks, mixed with the greens of the trees, and diluted within the bright blue of the sky; but it's not the blue of Valentina’s eyes. She’s grasping hysterically around her trying to find Valentina but she’s only finding cold bed sheets.

It takes a subjective infinity for Valentina to storm into the room with a matching panicked look.

“Juls?” she whispers confused.

When she sees the state Juliana is in, she doesn’t hesitate and climbs into their bed. She throws herself towards her wrapping her arms protectively. Juliana laches on to her. Valentina is running her hands over her arms trying to offer comfort.

“What is it? Mi amor, what happened?” She asked softly but Juliana doesn’t answer.

She’s shaking so much and Valentina tries to ease her trauma with kisses. She leaves kisses on her forehand, on her neck, on her shoulder blades. She runs her hands over her hair. She’s whispering truths in her ear. Her whole body is wrapped around her. Anything to help her feel safer.

Valentina has never seen Juliana in this state of panic. She’s never seen her so scared and worried. And this is someone who said she was perfect after being kidnapped.

They don’t go to school that day. They stay at home and watch tv. Or more accurately, Valentina watches tv. Juliana is curled into her, grasping onto her. She doesn’t watch the movie, she doesn’t say anything, instead she watches Valentina. She alternates between her face, her jaw, her hands, her collarbone. The truth is she’s afraid of looking away and have Valentina disappear like the girl in the cart.

Valentina knows not to ask, she gives her space and waits for when she will be ready. She’s happy to let Juliana watch her. Every so often, which is quite often, she reminds her she loves her and goes back to the movie. She never let's go. She doesn’t think Juliana would let her. She doesn’t want to anyway.


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second time it happens, Juliana is in class.

The second time it happens, Juliana is in class.

Juliana loves school. She loves everything about it. She looks forward to every day, every lesson. She shows up early every day and she’s the last one to leave. She drinks in every instruction, every word of advice. She wants to know everything, be the best at it, and she gives 110% of herself.

She’s currently in class and they’re working on a project. As she’s ironing a piece of fabric, the light on her phone pulls her away momentarily from her work and she only looks at it because she can tell it’s a text from Valentina.

Val: I can’t stop thinking about touching you.

It’s unexpected and she's so focused on her work that it immediately makes her heart skip a beat and she feels her face heat up. Her body responds with a surge of want. She can’t help smile to herself and gets distracted by the girl that’s always on her mind. So when the iron somehow burns her arm it’s not really all that surprising.

But suddenly she’s back somewhere she doesn’t belong. Except she’s not outside like last time. She’s inside a dark cellar. She can smell the wet stones and there’s only a flickering of a torch. The room is an uncomfortable mix of warmth and cold. The light of the torch burns but the stones emanate cold.

She tries to move but there are chains around her wrists. She rebels and tries to fight against her constraints but it’s pointless. She’s a prisoner. There’s panic that rises in her throat, in her heart, and in her lungs. It’s not her host’s fear weirdly enough; it's hers. She finds herself thinking of the time Alacran kidnapped her and almost burned her alive. She pulls harder on the chains trying to get out of this nightmare. She wants to cry but the tears get painfully stuck in her throat.

Suddenly, she’s aware of the voices that are speaking to her. It’s a different Spanish. Different but she understands it all the same. Somehow it feels older, more literary.

There are men dressed in red wearing crosses that terrify her just like the last time. They are asking her questions she doesn’t know the answer to. They want to know: what she does? and where she does it? and what she eats? and what she believes in? ... It’s too much. She doesn’t know what they really want. She feels helpless but the body she’s in has no intention of answering them.

She knows this will not end well. She knows she might not see the light of the sun again, not in this form anyway. The questioning stops and there is a silence that frightens her. And she wonders what could be more frightening than her current situation.

She doesn’t have to wait much longer to find out. Two men dressed in black are dragging the battered body of the girl from the cart. There is blood on her, especially on her face. She also has bruises all over her body. She whispers Valentina’s name but it comes out different. Something triggers inside her and this fire fills her. She knows this feeling well. It’s the same fire that allows her to stand up to Alacran and to Chino. She’s battling against her chains screaming at the men to let her go. She’s less afraid now. The rage protects her like a shield.

They don’t listen and this world’s Valentina doesn’t look anywhere else but her. It’s always the same eyes, the ones she knows so well. She’s seen that tortured look before and it kills her. She pleads and begs and threatens but it does nothing.

It only gets worse. So much worse because the men take out metal spikes from a fire she hadn’t noticed until then. She knows it’s coming. She knows they’re going to torture them. She knows it’s going to hurt but when they burn the skin off this woman whom she loves, it’s worse than any pain she can think of.

She screams out against their cruelty until her vocal cords give out. She admits to everything, anything, but they don’t stop.

Juliana feels like her own skin is on fire and the truth is, it kind of is. She’s back in school and she burned her arm and it took her far too long to realize. A bright red mark scars her forearm. Her face contorts in pain and she leaves her work station to run her burning forearm under cold water.

She runs a shaky hand over her face. She doesn’t know what is happening to her. This is getting worse. Her entire body is covered in sweat. She has these visions she doesn’t understand and from the way, her heart is pulsating and her arm is painfully radiating heat- it’s a little more real than a dream. She tries to shake off the way she feels and throws herself back into her designs. It’s really hard because her arm is radiating like a beacon trying to call her back to the past, but she’s fully intending on ignoring it.

Later when Juliana comes home and Valentina is more than willing to make on her text. She’s finally forgotten about her dreams, her painful burn, or the dark-haired Valentina. Her Valentina has her pinned against the wall right next to the door. She didn’t really get the chance to walk in before Val’s mouth found hers. Her desire is consuming her and she’s more than happy to give into it, especially when she scratches the back of Valentina’s ear and it elicits a moan in response. Juliana is completely lost in the girl and the moment, until Valentina pins her hands on the wall behind her and she can’t help but moan in pain, detaching her lips from the other girl's unintentionally.

Valentina shoots away from her almost immediately and the darkness in her eyes is replaced with worry.

“Juls? What is it?”

“Nothing. It’s nothing.” She tries to play off as she leans forward to kiss her again but Valentina is having none of it.

It doesn’t take long for the blonde girl to find the burned mark on her arm.

“What happened?” She whispers as her eyes grow wide with worry.

She doesn’t let her answer as she drags her to the bathroom.

“Val, it’s fine” Juliana insist but Valentina is focused on the task at hand.

She taps lightly on the marble counter of the bathroom. “Sit.”

Juliana sighs but does it anyway. Meanwhile, Valentina is taking out an entire first aid kit.

“Val, I just burned myself a bit at school.”

But Valentina has burned her skin many times growing up when curling her hair and she knows what a quick burn looks like and this isn’t it. She tends to Juliana’s wound with utmost devotion and wraps it in gauze to protect it. When she’s done Juliana leans forward and kisses the side of her mouth in appreciation but Valentina doesn’t kiss her back.

“Val? Are you ok?”

Of course Juliana would ask her if she’s ok when she’s the one who wakes up freaking out and comes home with deep burns.

“You know you can talk to me about anything, right?” Valentina says with a timid voice.

“Val. I love you”

Valentina’s heart skips a beat because it always does when Juliana looks at her and confesses her love but this isn’t what she’s looking for. “Your love for me isn’t what I’m doubting right now. I just want to know that you’re ok”.

Juliana looks at her without saying anything for a while. She scratches the back of her neck nervously. She tries to get the words out, to express what she feels, what she saw, what she fears, but she can't. The words get stucks somewhere in her throat and panic reigns supreme. “I can’t talk about it now. Not yet. Can you give me a few days?”

It kills Valentina to say yes but she does. “Perdon. Sorry. Whenever you’re ready”

Later that night, Valentina falls asleep quickly but Juliana can’t seem to. She momentarily entangles herself from the other’s girls embrace to look for Camillo’s book. It’s the only thing that might help. She finds it quickly and returns to bed. Valentina automatically holds on to her again. She might not be able to fall asleep but it doesn’t mean she’s leaving their bed.

She spends all night reading Camillo’s book while brushing her hand across the skin of Valentina’s protective arm.

Valentina’s warmth keeps her safe and she falls more and more in love with her for every endearing note she left written in the margin of this crazy book.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't seen the whole show, there's this scene after Valentina reads Camillo's book where she goes to see him with the books and lots of notes to ask him all these questions. It's clear that she's a very attentive reader and she definitely has this curious intellectual side. That's what inspires the idea of her annotating Camillo's book.


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The third time it happens, Juliana does it to herself.

— the third time it happens, Juliana does it to herself.

Juliana starts her day like all her other Wednesdays: she woke up next to Valentina, made them breakfast, and since this is her day off from class, she spends it working on her projects while Valentina is at school.

Dozens of pages are spread over the kitchen table. The sun is shining inside their apartment and she loves the days like these when she can design and work on her ideas. However, today is different; the pages are all of the same design.

She’s been drawing the same thing all morning. The first sketch was a nice surprise but after redoing it over and over, she’s worried by how obsessed she is. The pattern hunts her. It needs to be drawn. Worse she thinks, she needs to sow it, touch it, feel it, know it, see it worn. It means something to her but she doesn’t know what.

There’s a specific redness in her mind she can’t commit to the page so she tries over and over. The flowers of the embroidery don’t have the depths she’s looking for and the flourishes aren’t perfect. The thread should be gold but nothing she uses equals the real thing.

After the fifteenth attempt, she gives up and throws herself on the couch. She catches sight of Camilo’s book and she starts to wonder if maybe this is what this whole thing is about.

She remembers very clearly a passage she read two nights ago about regressing into a past life. Does she think it’s crazy? 100%. But after their dads’ soul transmigrations, nothing seems that crazy anymore. She turns off the lights and closes the blinds. She lies down on the couch as comfortable as possible as she starts to breathe slowly but deeply. She’s trying to match Camilo’s instructions. Eyes closed, deep breaths, the mind focused on the design she’s trying to remember. She breathes slowly and calmly for a little while and suddenly she’s surrounded by thousands of books.

Juliana smiles widely as she looks around. She did it!

This place is different from the other two. It feels safe. Better, she loves it here. She’s in a small shop two stories high, lined with books from floor to ceiling. There’s a counter with an open book, a quill, an unlit candle, and all sorts of other trinkets.

She looks outside the storefront window and into the street and she’s charmed by what she sees. There are dozens of people walking through the alleyways. They’re carrying boxes and books and pushing carts. Everything is different than what she’s used to but she loves it all the same.

A voice calls her from the back, and she turns around to find an older man with a grey beard and the kindest eyes she has ever seen. She knows he’s her father and she knows that she adores him. It’s the weirdest feeling because she has never loved her father and this feels all out place but it’s a wonderful feeling so she leans into it.

“Mi hija, I have an important meeting now. Please watch over the shop for me.” His Spanish is different from the men in red, from hers now, but it feels familiar too.

She nods and knows this past version of her loves this place as much as her father.

When the important meeting shows up a few moments later, she welcomes him into the shop. But it’s not his impressive status, his incredibly elaborate clothes, his extravagant hat, or his jawline that takes her breath away, it’s the girl that’s with him that does.

Juliana feels things in two in those moments. She feels what her past-self felt and then what she feels as a spectator. There’s the feeling of curiosity and the awe from the other girl, and there are her feelings of amusements because she knows this feeling too well. There's also comfort because past-Valentina is wearing a dress with the exact pattern she’s been thinking about. And lastly, it’s exactly what it’s supposed to look like.

The girl looks at her with curious eyes and begins to wander around the shop. She’s taking small steps in different directions every time. But they’re calculated as if she’s assessing everything around her. As if it’s the first time she’s been allowed to see the outside and she’s trying to memorize it all. Juliana watches her. She had yet to say anything.

The red embroidery which is more amber than red captures her attention as much as the scene unfolding. She’s trying so hard to remember every part of the design, to capture it in her mind but her body is acting independently and it’s having its own conversation with dark-haired Valentina.

“What are you reading?”

She seems to hesitate but past-Juliana answers anyway. “I was reading Maimonides’ thoughts on the nature of the soul.”

“Do you agree with his view that the soul changes through  
acquiring knowledge?” The answer is such a surprise to past-Juliana. She wasn't expecting the other girl to know what she was reading, let alone engage her in a conversation. She's not used to having anyone interact with her on this level. She feels her heart skip a beat.

Juliana smiles softly to herself and watches this story; this memory. When hours later the girls part and her past-self reaches for Valentina and whispers pleadingly “can I see you again?”, she wakes up with a happy smile and laughs.

She’s still laying down on the couch but this time her memory doesn’t leave her impaired and broken. She feels so much happiness. She bounces off the couch and opens the blinds again letting the light in. She grabs her phone and texts Valentina: _I’m thinking about you._   
And then she makes herself a _cafè_ before rushing to her worktable to finish her design.

This time it’s effortless, she knows exactly where each needlepoint should be and she gets it perfectly. She continues working and she has the perfect idea for the perfect item. She’s going to make a black jacket embroidered with that exact design all along the collar and lapel and bit along the sleeves. She sketches and starts searching for the right fabrics.

Weeks later when she finishes it, Rafaella falls in love with. She calls every other designer at school to come and see it. It spreads like wildfire, everyone is in awe. People call in so they can come to see it. Juliana feels so much pride. It’s everything she wants. It’s the moment she goes from “Juliana Valdes, the girl Valentina Carvajal declared her love for on national TV” to “Juliana Valdes, the girl Valentina Carvajal declared her love for on national TV, who is also a really talented fashion student.”

Raffaella calls her in her office to tell her how much everyone loves her jacket and she even has a buyer who wants to feature it in a magazine photoshoot. Juliana doesn’t even know what she did to deserve so much good. She smiles and offers words of thanks but she hesitates.

“What is it?” Her mentor and teacher asks.

“I can’t sell it,” she admits nervously, “but I don’t want to sound ungrateful because I appreciate it so much.. it’s just..I.. ”

“What is it?”

“I made it for Valentina.” She admits even more quietly.

When she’s with other people, Juliana doesn’t have the comfort and the media presence Valentina has. It’s hard for her to be open with how she feels. She’s learning but Valentina is the only person she truly knows how to be vulnerable with.

Rafaela laughs. “You know if Valentina wasn’t one of my dearest friend’s daughter and my godson's sister, I wouldn’t take this for an answer.” She nods with another laugh. “But I guess everyone knows how that girl feels about you. So I’ll allow it.”

“She’s going to like it right?”

“I don’t think she’s ever going to take it off.” Rafaela says kindly before adding with a gleam in her eyes, “I’m only allowing this once. Next thing you make, it’s for me.”

Juliana grins and takes the compliments with so much pride. She doesn’t tell Rafaela that she only has one muse and that everything she makes is for Val.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part of this is inspired by an early episode where Camilo gets Jacopo to regress back into Leon's body. 
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for any kind words left behind.


	4. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> — The fourth time it happens, it happens to Valentina.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final part!
> 
> There's a lot of very subtle historical research that went into this, it's as accurate as I could make it. 
> 
> I've been tweaking this final chapter for a while. I hope you enjoy it on its own and as the conclusion of the story. I'm pretty proud of it.

 

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/170824099@N03/47552788751/in/dateposted-friend/)

 

  
— the fourth time it happens, it happens to Valentina

Valentina is trying really hard to focus on her latest assignment. She has to finish this article by the end of the week and she’s so close. She’s missing that great finish that will elevate her article from good to great. She's racking her brain to find the right words and the right emotions to fuel into it, but it’s difficult because she can’t focus. For the last ten minutes, someone outside has been banging a hammer on a railing of some sort. It’s this insistent thumping that doesn’t give her any rest. It resonates and echoes inside of her and all she hears is the thunk, thunk, thunk of metal hitting metal.

She sighs deeply and drops her pen in frustration. She runs her hand over face and for a moment she focuses on the sound until it syncs up with her heartbeat. Sooner than later, the annoying sound becomes a distant melody and when she opens her eyes, she’s not in Mexico anymore.

She’s back. She’s back in Toledo again. Back, because she’s been dreaming about this place for weeks now. And back, because once upon a time she came here. When her mom was still alive, all of them had taken a trip to Spain.

The clunking of the metal is still being heard not too far away, along with the buzz of the cicadas. The metal is beaten by a metal worker and it reminds her of a guided tour they took as a family. The guide had told them that the city of Toledo has always been famous for its metalwork. She remembers Eva being completely fascinated by the twisted designs and spending hours afterwards trying to match their intricacies. The tour guide had taken them to a metal workshop lined with hundreds of swords and knives. She remembers very fondly, her mother grabbing her and Guille before they attempted to run and grab swords to play with. Her heart strains at the faint memories of her mother, but it’s all she has left and it makes her smile.

She can’t remember how many times she’s been thrown into the past lately. The memories have been very short for the most part - there are conversations, flashbacks, or glimpses of a life once lived. She’s grateful they haven’t been longer than that - a few seconds here and there. The memories haven’t been easy, most of them are painful so she’s grateful they don’t last. She can only take so many auto-da-fés, she doesn’t have the strength to watch more people get burnt alive ever again.

However, she has a feeling that everything is fine at this moment. Her heart is at peace and the city and its inhabitants are less hostile than in her past visits. This must be before all her other memories.

She’s looking around, seeking, waiting. It’s when past-Juliana tears herself apart from the rest of the local scenery that her heart summersaults. She's smiling with her entire soul and when the girl reaches her, she engulfs her into her arms. This Juliana looks different from hers, she’s got very long jet-black hair and eyes that gleam green in the sunlight. She smells differently from her Juliana too – like the faint smell of rose water - but it’s the same feeling of home. When they disentangle, their hands find each other and they don’t let go. They end up in a crook of the city walls, close to the Tagus river, shaded by the nearby almond trees.

Valentina feels excitement bubble in her chest and she bursts out, “I have the best news!” She’s bouncing with happiness. “So you know how my father has been working closely with the community and the new Queen lately? Well! There’s going to be a celebration at the Alcázar and father has been invited by the court!”

“That’s great.”

“No you don’t understand, the invitation includes his children. I’ve been invited to a royal celebration!”

Past-Juliana smiles brightly sharing her excitement. “I’m happy for you.”

She nods happily and then she adds. “I want you to come with me.”

“How?” She says with a laugh. “You know my father is not invited, he’s just a simple bookkeeper.”

“ _Si_ , I know. But there’s an invitation for Elazar and you know he’s sailing to the Orient for father’s business.”

“Your brother? I don’t understand.”

“You can take my brother’s invitation and come with us. Father doesn’t have to know. And nobody knows what he looks like, so it’s perfect.”

She laughs loudly, “Perfect for what?... I think they’ll notice I’m not a man.”

This past Valentina is a bit like her, she gets overly excited when she has her mind set on something. “We don’t have to let them know that! You can take some of Elazar’s clothes and we can hide your hair in a hat. And if anything, people will think you’re a pretty boy.”

“You’re crazy.” She laughs “No. This will never work.” She shakes her head, but her eyes betray a tenderness and a fondness for the other girl’s antics.

“Please. Mi amando.” My beloved. The affectionate name falls off her lips effortlessly. It makes Valentina smile. “I can only dream of going to this with you. How much fun would it be to have one night together like real people?”

Past-Juliana kisses her hands and strokes her thumb over her knuckles. “If we get caught, do you know how much trouble we would get? You’ve heard the rumours, things are becoming less safe. They’re rounding up people and torturing them.”

“Those are just rumours. That can’t be true.” She tucked her head behind her ear and she tries to convince her again. ”Please. I heard the Abarbanel will be there and I know you’ve been dying to understand his reasons behind his opposition to Maimonides. You can ask him in person!”

Past-Juliana eyes light up and the curiosity dances in her eyes. She’s smiling softly and her resolve is slowly breaking down. But she doesn’t agree yet.

Valentina insists again. “When will we be able to do this? In a few weeks, everything will be different.”

Valentina wonders what's in a few weeks, but there’s this deep ache in her heart that colours everything with sadness and she sees that same despair mirrored in Juliana’s eyes.

“We promised each other we wouldn’t talk about it.” The other girl whispers.

“It’s hard. Sometimes it’s all I think about.”

“You can’t. There’s no other way.“

“I want you to marry me, not him.” She says. It’s full of pain. It’s absurd and unheard of but it’s what she wants. She wants it so much, she finds herself wishing for it, praying for it. She knows no one will answer, but she doesn’t stop wanting it, asking for it. Valentina feels her pain and reciprocates it. She lost her mind when her world didn't let her be with Juliana. To know that all her love was reflected in another person and not be able to be with them; that was worse than hell.

Past-Juliana looks at her with sorrow but she doesn’t say anything. She never does. She never talks about her upcoming marriage, she never really says how much she loves her either. Not in words. Never in words. She says it hurts too much to say it, so she shows it in kisses, in touches, in metaphors, and gestures but never in words.

“Ok. I’ll go. You can dress me up and I’ll charm you at this party.”

Valentina squeals happily because that’s a memory she knows she’ll have forever. “My prince charming!” She said with a lopsided smile. “Will you dance with me until the morning?”

“Of course.”

“And sneak me cups of wine?”

“Only the best.”

“And sneak away somewhere off-limits to kiss me?”

“Until you forget your name.”

Valentina watches herself fall more in love with this past Juliana and she thinks this is one of the most beautiful things she’s ever felt.

  
Meanwhile, Juliana has been noticing the little things with Val lately. She sits a little closer to her, she holds her a little tighter, she kisses her a little softer when they part ways for school, she buries her head in her neck a little more often. Juliana isn’t complaining. Not at all. Not even a little bit. But she thinks Val must be doing it because she’s worried about her. She still hasn’t said anything about her memories and it must be what’s on Val’s mind.

The only reason she hasn’t said anything, it’s because she’s actually ok. She’s working through the memories and the last one really helped. She doesn’t feel so awful. As long as she doesn’t dream either of them is getting tortured again she’s going to be ok.

She walks into the living room to find Valentina sitting on the kitchen table, staring blankly at her computer screen. She’s got stickies and notes all over and Juliana thinks it’s the most endearing thing when she scrunches her eyebrows trying to figure out something.

She walks past Valentina to the kitchen in order to make tea. On her way, she stops momentarily to leave a kiss on Val’s temple. It brings Valentina back to the present, to the girl she loves.

Starring ahead, Juliana gathers her courage and decides it's time. That or the hissing sound of the kettle reminds her there’s nothing else to do. She wills her body forward, she mouths the words in her mind but nothing happens. Sometimes the old Juliana takes over and she doesn’t say what bothers her. She forgets how to. She keeps it in, categorizes it as “to be dealt with on our own”. It’s what she’s always done. Her first instinct is not to seek other people’s help. She’s learned that people have their own mess to deal with, and she doesn’t need to add her own. It’s Valentina that insists she lets her in. Some days, like today, it’s hard to remember how to do it.

But it’s as if Valentina can hear her think because she looks up from her work and looks right at her. Juliana knows it’s pure magic that somehow she can feel her think across the room. But for Valentina, there’s nothing more instinctual than Juliana’s silence. Valentina has decoded the slightest shifts in Juliana’s behaviour. She’s codified the calms and the pauses. She knows the meaning behind her quiet nods and the way she shifts her weight. She’s never had to learn it, it’s almost as if she’s always known it.

  
“What is it?” Valentina asks softly

“Val, we need to talk.”

Valentina looks at her from underneath her eyelashes and smirks as she says: “Are we breaking up?”

Juliana laughs in response because they both know that’s the most ridiculous thing. It eases her in this conversation. The stress and the tightness in her shoulders dissipates. She grabs a chair and brings it close to the blue-eyed girl. She sits as close as possible. Their legs intertwine, yet there's no such thing as close enough. Juliana leans her forehead against her. When Valentina kissed her, it electrifies her entire soul and she comes alive - again.

“I owe you a conversation about the weird things that have been happening to me.” She straightens her back and breathes slowly, pacing herself. “Ok. you’re going to think I’m crazy but I’ve been seeing these visions… these images…. It’s like I go back… and it’s ... _Qué_?”

It’s the way Valentina is looking at her; it throws her off.

“No...” The other girl whispers.

“No Val _escúchame_... I know it sounds insane but I’ve been having these dreams and I’m pretty sure they're in Spain. I don’t know when, but I’m there and you’re there! There are these people who are trying to kill us. I have no idea why or who they are but ..”

“They’re the Inquisition...” Valentina whispers.

Juliana wants to ask more but she only manages to squeeze out “Who?”

Valentina doesn’t answer and googles something. She turns the computer over towards her and she reads the word “Toledo”. As soon as she sees the picture of the walled city with its beige stones, its dry heights, and its green shrubs, she recognizes it from her visions right away.

Her eyes widen because how is that possible. How could Valentina google exactly the place that’s been tormenting her?

“How?”

“I’ve been remembering too.“

“How?” She says again, feeling foolish but she doesn’t understand how it’s possible.

“Juls, they’re memories. You have to know that. Don’t you feel it? Please tell me you feel it. It’s just like Camilo’s..”

“I feel it.” Juliana interrupts her because she can feel her spiralling. She quells Valentina’s doubts but suddenly she’s the one spiralling, “I can't believe you have the dreams too! How can you be so calm about it? Why haven’t you been freaking out? Why haven’t you told me about it?”

“You haven’t told me about it!”

“Yeah because how do you tell someone ‘I’ve been having flashbacks of our past lives!’”

“Exactly like that! Juls, our dads transmigrated it’s not that’s weird.”

“It’s so weird. Why are you so calm?” She repeats anxiously.

Val tucked the hairs behind her ears and she looks directly at her. Her eyes anchor her but not as much as her words. “Because I don’t think there’s anything more calming than knowing I was connected to you in a past life.”

The words hit Juliana and just like that the fears and the anxiety fade away. Valentina does that to her.

“Have the memories been bad? Is that why you’ve been ..” Valentina trails off.

“Yes.”

“What did you see?” Valentina asks softly. She squeezes Juliana’s hand in hers.

“I saw them take you/her away, I saw you/her get tortured, and I saw us meet. I don’t know how to talk about it. It’s not you and it’s you. I know her, I don’t know her…”

“It’s ok. You don’t have to explain it to me, I understand.”

“What did you see?”

Valentina hesitates. She doesn’t say anything for a while. “Lots of bits and pieces. Conversations, secret meetings..." She trails off not wanting to say the next part, but she does anyway. "I saw her parents get burned alive. It was like losing both my mom and my dad again.” Her eyes betray so much pain. She hesitates before speaking, “And I saw you get married to someone else.”

“What?”

“They were both impossibly painful to watch. For different reasons.”

“Yours are worse than mine I think.” Juliana thinks out loud “Val how have you been so relaxed? I haven’t noticed anything. You haven’t said anything. You didn’t act any differently.”

It’s so unlike Valentina to bear her pain so quietly. It’s usually what Juliana does. She takes things in and Valentina eases them out of her. It’s this dance they do. But with Valentina, she wears her pain and her struggles on her sleeve. It’s loud and all at once, and Juliana calms her and helps her breathe through it. It’s this dance they do.

“It’s just … I’m used to dreams and nightmares I guess. Maybe this time, I’m better at living with them?”

Juliana’s heart breaks when she hears that. She strokes Valentina’s hands and kisses them before tucking them inside her, close to her heart.

“It’s ok Juls. I have you. It helps a lot.”

“I guess that’s more than our last selves can say.”

“Why do you say that? Maybe they made it?” Valentina optimism seeps through.

“No Val. I don’t think so. Not after what we’ve seen.”

“Maybe? If somebody saw parts of our lives, they’d think the same for us.”

Juliana thinks on it and maybe Valentina is right. Because if someone got snippets of their drama maybe they wouldn’t think they’re so happy and together now. She thinks her own flashbacks wouldn’t look so different. She did get kidnapped, almost get burned alive, slept with someone else - it doesn’t really paint the most flattering picture.

“What does it means? Why is this happening ?”

“I don’t know, we can always ask the Brúja Bárbara if you want? I like her.” Valentina adds with a cheeky smile.

Juliana shakes her head. The _Brùja_ was nice and she had treated her with so much gentleness when they met. But it was too much. The fact that somehow she and Val had ended up meeting her on their own and separately, it was crazy. But then again everything was.

“I think it means that us being together is bigger than us. Juliana, we’ve always known that.” Valentina said as her eyes scanned Juliana’s face. It was so much easier for her to believe all those things than it was for Juliana. But Valentina really needed the other girl to see that it was simply too much to be just happenstance. “Juls, it’s our dads, it’s the Bruja, it’s the world keeping us in each other orbits, it’s our memories now.”

“I know Val. Don’t you ever feel overwhelmed?” She envies Val in a way for so easily believing the words intends for them to be together. She’s rarely seen that many people be truly happy. She feels that the only people who manage to find true happiness are the ones that escape the scrutiny of life’s harsh gaze.

“No. I can’t think of anything that makes more sense than the universe working so that we’d find our way to each other. What’s more perfect than knowing I was meant to be yours in this life, and all the others?” Valentina says with a smile and a look of pure adoration that makes everything around her melt.

Juliana smiles softly as her heart expands and she feels it contain the entire universe.

“Do you ever feel like it’s too much? Like maybe that’s too many expectations from the universe?”

“Is that how you feel about us?”. Valentina’s eyes betray an inner sadness as she tries to understand Juliana's words.

“No, not at all.” Julianna comforts her. Valentina is an absolute in her life. It’s life and its fake promises that she worries about sometimes. She runs her hand over Valentina’s hair and the side of her face lovingly in confirmation. “My heart called out to yours from the first moment I saw you in the street.“

“Then what is it? If you want I think there’s a way we can stop the memories.” Valentina tells her after some time.

“Stop the memories?”

“I heard Camilo talk about it once. He could help us through it. We’d disconnect with our past lives. If it’s too much, we can always do that.”

“And we’d forget them?” Juliana says to herself more than to Valentina.

The words trigger something in Valentina and suddenly it’s like the whole world tilts over and she’s back in the past. Again.

She feels this eternal cold in her bones and she knows right away this isn’t a happy memory. She tries to open her eyes but they hurt so much she can barely keep them open. She’s lying on the floor in what is very obviously a prison. Her body is painfully aching everywhere. Her skin is pulsating with heated pain and she can see wounds that are starting to fester on her skin.

Lying on the floor of the prison, hunched in a ball, it’s awful but it’s quiet and for a moment it’s enough of a respite. There is a large stone missing at the base of the wall and she has her arm through it. Through one of the holes, she can see the faint figure of past-Juliana in the adjoined cell. Her long beautiful jet black hair has been cut and she looks like a ghost of her past self. She’s cradling Valentina’s hand against her lips. She seems to be in far worse condition than she is. She’s shaking considerably and Valentina can feel it reverberate against her skin. She wants nothing but to leave this place and go back to her Juliana. She needs to know she’s safe. She needs to kiss her until she can’t breathe. She needs to tell her she loves her until the words stop making sense.

“I think this is the end.” Juliana says with a raspy broken voice.

“It might be. But I’m going to fight until the last second. Promise you’ll fight with me?” Valentina can feel herself being sick with worry and she’s trying anything to get the other girl to keep fighting.

“Always.”

Valentina’s heart hurts more than ever. Why are people like this? Why do they feel they need to hurt others? She doesn’t understand why people need to hate the things they don’t understand.

“I wish we had more time.” Valentina admits as her hold on Juliana’s hand gets tighter.

“I would choose this over not knowing you. Every time. In every life.”

The shaking starts up again and past-Juliana is coughing badly. But it doesn’t stop her from continuing to speak. “I loved you before I met you. I know it sounds impossible but I knew you in my soul. My heart was looking for yours since the beginning of time I think. You have to promise me something..” She trails off painfully.

“Of course. What is it?”

“I don’t know what happens when we die. But you have to promise me you won’t forget us. Because I won’t.”

“How could I forget you? How could I forget us?... I …I couldn’t… it’s not possible.”

Juliana nods and Valentina knows those words meant everything to the dying girl.

She blinks the tears on her face and raises her other hand to dry them but suddenly she’s shifting back into the present.

She’s back in their modern apartment, no freezing cold in her bones, no damp obscurity, no more loud pain. It’s filled with samples of Juliana’s fabrics, the warmth of the Mexican sun, and she’s got her books and notebooks all over the place. It’s messy because Chivis isn’t there to clean after her but it’s home.

And most importantly Juliana is right in front of her and she’s ok. When their eyes meet, Valentina sees the pain on Juliana's face that she knows is reflected in her own eyes. And she knows. She knows she went back with her just a moment ago.

Valentina is still trying to piece what just happened and how she feels because her heart is thrashing a million miles per hour with someone else’s pain, but it’s Juliana who reacts first.

Time is suddenly different, everything that happens is both fast and slow. Contradictions reign supreme. Juliana leans in slowly and deliberately but it’s also eager and spontaneous. When their lips meet, Valentina feels Juliana’s hands in her hair, against her face, under her shirt. She’s everywhere and nowhere and it’s barely enough. The way she moves against her screams “I’m here, I’m here, I’m here”, it echoes with her thumping heartbeat. She needs to feel alive. She needs to feel real. She needs to feel like she exists now. Every kiss Juliana leaves against her hot skin, brands her with a renewed existence. It’s the way her hands trace her skin, it’s the feel of her lips on her body, it’s the rhythm of their bodies moving together. They fit perfectly. They intertwine and their joined bodies sing a song.

There are words they mean to say that don’t get voiced. How do you find words to express a love relived and reborn every generation? The silence voices the inevitable, the unspoken, the eternal.

At one point, Valentina’s hand entangles itself from Juliana hair and snakes in between their moving bodies looking for Juliana’s hand. On instinct, Juliana intertwines their hands as she’s leaving a trail of kisses on Val’s neck. Valentina disentangles their hands. Curious and confused, Juliana halts her actions to seek Valentina’s eyes. The blue-eyed girl joins their pinkies and as she kisses her, she whispers against her lips “ _pacto_?” A confused “ _qué?_ ” almost makes it out of her mouth but she manages to articulate, “we already did one.”

“Of course. Nothing is going to separate us. But we need a _pacto_ for the next life.”

There is pure joy and infinite hope that pours out of Valentina when she says those words. She believes so much in the world as it could be; full of light and kindness. She never allows herself to believe that the pain she’s felt is a rule for the way the world can be.

Juliana watches the emotions dance in Valentina’s eyes. She loves that she cares so much for them (present, past, and future) that she feels the need to make sure they make it in the next time. She has no doubt that they will.  
She thinks of their past selves and how much they endured for a few moments together. She thinks of their happy smiles under the Spanish sun when life was still kind to them. She thinks she shouldn’t forget them. She’s not really allowed to. Someone should remember them. Valentina is right.

She nods and confirms with a smile. “ _Pacto_.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this story. Every kind word left behind is greatly appreciated.


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